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INTERVIEW WITH A ROCK
FEBRUARY 25, 2021
UNDISCLOSED RESIDENCE
PHOENIX, ARIZONA

CILMA Agent: I’m not sure about rock etiquette, but how old are you?

Rock: To be honest I never kept track. Maybe it’s because I exist in a different timescale than you do, so I just never really thought about it. I don’t know. 

(Laughter)

CA: That makes a lot of sense. So, do you measure time at all? 

R: Sort of. I mostly notice when my environment has shifted somehow, or I am all of a sudden heavier or something. Like, you know when you gain weight gradually, so you don’t really notice the shift in your form, but then one day you see yourself and you’re just like, “damn….” That’s more or less what it’s like. From sand to boulder, like it’s not even hard.
 
CA: Is that a joke?

R: Yeah, little joke.

CA: Hah. 

(Awkward silence)

CA: What about family, do you have any in town?

R: I used to live at home, but then someone stole me and put me in this Zen garden. I bet they knew it wasn’t legal, so I sent out some bad luck energy. We’ll see what sticks. Maybe I’ll get to go home.

CA: Wow, that’s intense. A Zen garden? Are you pissed? I’d be pissed.

R: Hell yeah, I’m pissed! But mostly I just want to go home. This Zen garden is pretty chill for now, but the only traces left behind are from the hand of the woman who stole me. Every morning she spends like thirty minutes pushing that damn rake across the sand. I really wish she would give it up and let me alone with the sand for a while, so we can develop our relationship. 

CA: I mean, we all need to connect to something. Sitting here, I realize it’s ingrained in us.

R: You can say that again. 

CA: It’s ingrained in us.

R: I didn’t mean literally.

CA: Oh. Well, yeah, anyway we’re just about out of time. I know it was brief, but then again, I doubt you noticed.

R: Aaaaayyyeee. Good One. Ha. Thanks for taking the time.